“I love you,” she said. “I have loved you for a very long time.” She took a sip of her coffee, buying herself some time as he tried to find a way to respond, a way to match his expression to the mood she had unleashed on the room. She tried reading his gestures, the way he pulled a cigarette from his pocket, the way he lighted it. He couldn’t be that surprised, could he? He must have known. He didn’t say a word as smoke started floating away from his lips. Gloria tightened the grip around her mug. She could finally feel the weight of years of unspoken words pressing down against her shoulders, hard, as her cheeks burned like the sun. He looked up to face her, the same glance in his eyes as when they’d first met. His hair had little streaks of grey in it now but his face was still handsome.

“We shouldn’t need excuses to touch each other,” she said when he sat down next to him. He looked at her with pondering eyes, frowning. “Are we like that?” he asked, pulling a bit of tobacco from his pack. She nodded and he looked away from her. The boy rolled a cigarette as she settled down on the arm of his chair, her feet touching the upper part of his legs. She loved watching him roll his cigarettes, the concentrated look on his face, the quick slender fingers, the way the tobacco smelled. “We all are,” she said, brushing a strand of hair out of his eye and planting a kiss on his forehead.

“Isn’t it sad that we can never get close enough?” she asked, her finger halfway down his chest. He kissed her hair as she traced the invisible lines on his skin. “You grind your teeth in your sleep.”

The things I do when you’re not home

Wear your t-shirts,
Drink coffee from your favourite mug,
Sleep on your side of the bed,
Smell your pillow,
Masturbate in the shower.

“Why me?” she asked, tying back her hair. “I dunno,” he shrugged, but she could tell he did. He glanced at her and she smiled at him in the mirror. “I guess you looked scared, you know?” She turned away from the vanity to face him. “Like a lost child in a supermarket.” He took a long pause, which he did a lot in between sentences, if he ever talked at all. “Except the world was your supermarket.”

Last night was wonderful,
if you loved them,
which I did.
So we danced until our feet hurt
and watched the sun rise
from the roof terrace.

“I’m hopeful,”
she whispered,
and I believed her.

The party

It was half past eight and there was still no sign of him. Penny looked at the decorations that were hanging above their heads and felt a little silly. The cake she baked him was old now, with a hard crust and whipped cream that smelled like sour milk. She sighed. Most of the guests had gone home an hour ago, except for Margaret. Margaret was her oldest friend, a tall woman with delicate features and a flat chest. Funny how her ballerina like appearance did not match what was underneath the surface. “You know where he is right?” Margaret asked while cutting of a piece of the cake and handing it to her. “I know where he is,” she sighed. Penny sat down, not touching the chocolate, just pricking at it with her fork a little. “It tastes better than it looks,” Margaret smiled, but the look on her friends face told her she need not bother. “Fuck it,” Penny said as she got up and collected the rest of the cake. She disappeared to the kitchen where she disposed of it with a loud bang before returning to the living room. They spent several minutes in silence, the uncomfortable kind, until their attention was drawn to the door, to the sound of a key turning and a screech from the bolts that needed oiling. Margaret got up as he made his way into the room. She kissed Penny on her forehead and collected her coat. “I’ll see you tomorrow at nine, don’t let that dick get to you.” “Margaret,” he smiled, “always a pleasure.” Margaret ignored him, closing the door with so much force that the unused glasses on the table vibrated. Penny looked at him, ‘the dick’ already got to her. She got up to greet him, trying to swallow away the bitterness that would pour over her words once she opened her mouth. “Are we having a party darling?” he asked, as he held out a hand towards her. She took it and he pulled her close, burying his head in her hair, kissing it. He had been drinking, the smell of alcohol almost covering up the traces of a perfume she never wore. “We are, we were,” she said as he took her hand and started to move to music that was not playing. She closed her eyes and adjusted her hands on his back, the wedding ring around her finger shining like the sun.

“I never want to see you again,” she said after she kissed him at the bus stop. He smiled at her. “Well at least we had a good ending.”

While you were out,
I read your trashy novels
and slept in your clothes.

Eva

He was staring at her back
for some time now
and his eyes
followed the moles
that spread out before him
like the constellations.
‘It is really good,’
she said
while handing back his sketch.
‘But you made me more beautiful
than I actually am.’